In the aged pillars of the riad, I see myself.

Like the aged pillars of this riad, I embody my past and stand tall like a castle. One may look at me and trace the lines etched into my weathered body and imagine the countless stories and experiences that my pillars have witnessed over the years. From my smile lines, you can imagine my delirious laughs just as from my Glabellar lines on my forehead you may be able to imagine all the things that have once (and will continue to) upset me.

But, in contrast to my aged pillars, the addition of painted tiles symbolizes my change and all the ways I have grown. The vibrant colors, though they appear dull in this image, represent my life-long battle to live a life full of designs and color. The tiles, with their meticulous craftsmanship, symbolize my boundless potential to transcend all expectations. They symbolize my fight to become and be better, to heal, and to rebirth myself. 

I challenge life as an aged pillar by refusing to be just that, an aged pillar. I know that while I may be a pillar at my complete bareness, I can also be full of color and decorated with painted tiles. 

Looking at the pillars and tiles, a sense of nostalgia came over me. In this corner of the riad, I saw myself. I saw my perseverance to continue living life despite the cracks and lines in my pillars because along the way, the vibrant colors and intricate designs of the painted tiles awaken within me feelings of joy, wonder, and appreciation for the creative spirit of human endeavor.

In this way, art breathes new life into old structures. To infuse the mundane with a modern form of beauty, inspires growth and spiritual renewal. 

As I gaze upon the shapes and colors of the tiles, I feel a surge of energy coursing through me, igniting my own desire to explore and create. 

Like the painted tiles adorning the riad wall, I am inspired to embrace change, to embrace the unknown, and to embrace the endless possibilities that lie before me.

Mahragan Ayem Fe Bahr El Ghadr (عايم في بحر الغدر) - Ahmed Ezzat

 عايم في بحر الغدر

Swimming in the sea of betrayal,

شط الندالة مليان ب قلوب ماليها الشر

The shore of treachery is full of hearts devoid of goodness,

والبر ما له أمان

And the land has no safety.

نجي الخسيس منه اما الاصيل غرقان

We rescue the ignoble, while the noble drown,

والقوي في قوته بس علي الغلبان

And the strong in their strength oppress the weak.

شيطان ضحك علي الكل

The devil laughed at everyone,

والذل كان عنوان

And humiliation was the title.

نشر الفجور والذل ما بين بني الإنسان

Corruption and humiliation spread among humankind,

ولما قبضوا الثمن الكل باع وخان

And when they were paid, everyone sold out and betrayed.

واللي عامل حبيبي علي حقيقته بان

And whoever acted as my beloved revealed his true colors,

شايف الوشوش الوان

Seeing the deceitful faces,

بلياتشو البهلوان

The clownish pretenders,

بيمثلوا الضحكه وبيصنعوا الأوهام

They pretend to laugh and create illusions.

يا قلوب بلا مأوي جبل الهموم اقوي

Oh hearts without refuge, the mountain of worries is strong,

فيها القوي علي الضعيف

In it, the strong overpower the weak.

جاي بيستقوي

He's coming to get stronger.

دنيا فيها الفاعل مبني علي المفعول

A world where actions are based on consequences,

الفرح فيها ماضي بابه صبح مقفول

Joy here is a past door closed at sunrise.

مركب ف بحر غريق والبحر موجه عالي

A boat in a sea of drowning, and the sea's waves are high,

مبيفرقش ما بين عزيز ولا غالي

It doesn't differentiate between precious and priceless.

خلق وأخرها تراب عايشين ف دنيا سراب

People created, and in the end, they're just dust, living in a world of mirage.

واللي كانوا حبايب دلوقتي بقوا أغراب

And those who were friends are now strangers,

عجبي عليك يا عجب

Amazing, oh, how amazing!

علي اي متستعجب

Oh what are you amazed (or suprised)?

دنيا وفيها العجب هو اللي مستعجب

In a world where the amazement is what's amazing,

بحراسيه ناس مش هي وقلوب عماله بتتلخبط

Guarded by people who are not themselves, and hearts are confused,

فين الطيبه فين الحنيه

Where is the kindness, where is the tenderness?

اصل الدنيا خلاص بتشطب

Because the world is now being erased. 

This song reflects on the themes of betrayal and the harsh realities of life. It portrays a world where trust is rare, and people are driven by self-interest which results in the downfall of genuine relationships as well as the erasure of moral values.

It's whatever

I want to dedicate the rest of my life to me. I am my own honorable mention. 

Life is so hard. You wish to do the things you want to and you are held back. You wish to speak to the people you love but you cannot. You wish to eat the foods you crave but you are restricted. Wish, wish, wish. At 19, I am chained to my desires. 

This is not something I was able to foresee. My habit of unrealistic goal setting channeled within me a passion driven by a lack of appreciation for the person I am now and the life I have.. now.

When goal-setting, I compared myself to others. I never took the time to sit down with myself and see what I wanted with my life. Everything was driven by the feeling that I wasn't doing enough and that others were better than me. 

My goals restricted me and I never worked towards them because at the time, I didn't know I was comparing myself. Growing up, my parents always compared me to others so this came naturally to me. I never once thought of myself. What I liked, how I want to dress, what foods I like to eat. 

It took placing myself in a challenging environment (yes, college for me is a challenging environment) filled with people so different from me before I could actually come to know myself. It took failing classes to learn that I am a hard worker. It took missing the bus to know that I can wait if forced to, that I can appreciate the muck and gum and rusty benches at the bus station if I am forced to. It took arguing with my father about how I feel unloved by him for me to realize that I don't even love myself. 

The truth is, I was my first heartbreak.

Upon my birth, I consigned to the duty of committing to myself in a life long relationship. I wish I never did. I have an avoidant attachment style, the moment I feel like someone is dependent on me or clingy, I leave. So to survive myself, I always end up abandoning her in the name of "self-love". But how do you love yourself in the ways you never were loved?

I do not know how to live with Asma. I don't even know who she is. All I know is that she is a girl with brown eyes and a heart full of love for the world around her.

I always hated introducing myself. I am so many people in one body. And, how could I possibly introduce myself, who I have known for my whole life, when it feels like I was just born yesterday?

Every day is a new day born for me. Awakened from a slumber where I am drunk in my dreams, I wake up and am sober. It is magical almost how I am a totally different person in my head but no one will ever know.

But all this, it's whatever after all. Does any of it truly matter, what a 19 year old thinks of herself and the world?

Life update

I have really grown into myself this year. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and have learned a lot about the world. 

I am now in my second year of college, which sounds so weird to say. I changed my major in April from computer science to biology and it's been going well. It's a lot of work though I must admit. And let's just say, I am not the best with time management and keeping on track with all the due dates. 

I want to say I like college. But I also don't. I like that I am able to study what I want and I like my professors, but I don't really like how I feel like I am an imposter to all my classmates. It's hard to make friends but, as I have become more comfortable with myself over the year, I am fine with that. I am fine with not having many friends. I feel more focused and more at ease. 

But, with the friends I have made. I feel even better than I do when I am by myself. I feel seen, I feel heard, and I feel enlivened. They enable me to be... me. I am very grateful for them, alhamdulillah. 

Regrets of the year:

1. Not getting my license yet.

2. Taking a math class in the summer. 

3. Not including relaxing as a part of my schedule. 

4. Not reading as much as I wish I could.

5. Not changing my major sooner.

6. Not believing in myself just because of one grade. 

Happys of the year:

1. Spring semester chemistry and english class. 

2. Baked a lot. 

3. Finally got the hand of switching colors as I crochet. 

4. Going out with friends, making new friends.

5. Praying tahajud.

6. Learning to love others. 

7. Focusing more on Allah ﷻ.

Goals for the remainder of the year:

1. You guessed it.. getting my license. 

2. Visiting a museum. 

3. Writing and sending a letter to someone in my family.

4. Finishing a crochet project. 

5. Reading at least 10 more books.

    ⤷ I don't intend to quantify my goals, this is just a numerical representation of how many more "lives" I want to live by the end of this year. Perhaps I should type up a list. 

6. Learn a new language, or at least start exposing myself to one. 

    ⤷ For a while I wanted to learn Farsi and attended Jummah lectures at a masjid that partially delivered the lectures in Farsi. Attending Jummah there used to be the highlight of my weeks. 

7. Cook a full meal for my family & share with neighbors.

8. Travel out of state... 🙈

≽^•⩊•^≼   

Today

Today in California, I sit on my dining table with a cup of warm tea beside me. I am dressed warm in my sisters hoodie and to my left, the window is open and I hear the rustle of the leaves dancing as they crunch against the pavement. 

Today in California, I am happy. I am safe. I am comfortable. I am content. 

Today in California, I can say alhamdulillah and bear witness to my every blessing. 

But today, in Palestine, at least 4,385 innocent people have been murdered since October 7th. 

Today in Palestine, only 20 aid trucks were able to cross through the border to supply aid to more than 2.3 million people who have received nothing in the last two weeks. 

My greed is my noose, and today is my last day.

2023 Monthly Reading Challenges

I had a super fun time this year reading so many books. Though I enjoyed how my effort was a spontaneous one, the thought came to me to incorporate some monthly reading challenges for the upcoming year (Insha Allah) to make my reading journey more eventful and exciting. I can share this initiative with my friends and possibly family, but if no one decides to commit alongside me, that is alright since at the end of the day, I am doing this for me. And my mind. And my future. And... okay, maybe I am doing this for a lot of silly reasons but they all come back to me! 

JANUARY New year, new beginnings. Read at least one book chronicling a 'first time' beginner journey of its main character. Examples may be, but are not limited to: characters moving out of their country to another, main character moving away for university or post-secondary studies, becoming a first time parent, list goes on.

FEBRUARY Love is in the aiiiir. Let's make the topic of love more confusing than it already is... read a piece of classical romantic literature. Challenge your mind and standards, settle for no contemporary romance. 

MARCH March towards your goals. Read about a pioneer in history. Extra points if it is about a woman since March is known as international women's month. 

APRIL Welcome the season of spring by reading books with a fruit or vegetable in the title. 

MAY Mother's day is featured in this month so read a story about a mother, and perhaps her relationship with her daughter? 

JUNE A book set in summer... 

JULY ... Not another book set in summer. Celebrate America's independence from the English empire by reading any American classic. 

AUGUST Read a historical fiction book set in a country I don't know any one (directly) from... have fun with this. Not knowing someone means having not interacted with them directly in person (or online -- online mutuals don't count) before. 

SEPTEMBER September is Hispanic Heritage Month, read a book set in Latin America. (Other ideas: books where the protagonists goes insane)

OCTOBER Spooky season. Your challenge is to read a horror/mystery/thriller novel that does not include supernatural creatures such as vampires. 

NOVEMBER A story told from a villain's point of view. 

DECEMBER Doctor main character OR, has the name of a country in the title. 

End of year goals: amass 2,000 pages from this challenge alone. That is an average of 167 pages per novel, per month. 

I did it!!

This evening I accomplished my goal of reading 52 books in the year! I'm really grateful alhamdulillah and proved myself... to myself. 

I read 15, 424 pages across those 52 spines of books. The wifi at home is still quite disruptive and I only have a few minutes to catch up on some homework and update my humble blog on this great achievement, but, once things are 'back to normal,' I look forward to uploading a review on the books I have read this year and ranking them. Until then!