It's whatever

I want to dedicate the rest of my life to me. I am my own honorable mention. 

Life is so hard. You wish to do the things you want to and you are held back. You wish to speak to the people you love but you cannot. You wish to eat the foods you crave but you are restricted. Wish, wish, wish. At 19, I am chained to my desires. 

This is not something I was able to foresee. My habit of unrealistic goal setting channeled within me a passion driven by a lack of appreciation for the person I am now and the life I have.. now.

When goal-setting, I compared myself to others. I never took the time to sit down with myself and see what I wanted with my life. Everything was driven by the feeling that I wasn't doing enough and that others were better than me. 

My goals restricted me and I never worked towards them because at the time, I didn't know I was comparing myself. Growing up, my parents always compared me to others so this came naturally to me. I never once thought of myself. What I liked, how I want to dress, what foods I like to eat. 

It took placing myself in a challenging environment (yes, college for me is a challenging environment) filled with people so different from me before I could actually come to know myself. It took failing classes to learn that I am a hard worker. It took missing the bus to know that I can wait if forced to, that I can appreciate the muck and gum and rusty benches at the bus station if I am forced to. It took arguing with my father about how I feel unloved by him for me to realize that I don't even love myself. 

The truth is, I was my first heartbreak.

Upon my birth, I consigned to the duty of committing to myself in a life long relationship. I wish I never did. I have an avoidant attachment style, the moment I feel like someone is dependent on me or clingy, I leave. So to survive myself, I always end up abandoning her in the name of "self-love". But how do you love yourself in the ways you never were loved?

I do not know how to live with Asma. I don't even know who she is. All I know is that she is a girl with brown eyes and a heart full of love for the world around her.

I always hated introducing myself. I am so many people in one body. And, how could I possibly introduce myself, who I have known for my whole life, when it feels like I was just born yesterday?

Every day is a new day born for me. Awakened from a slumber where I am drunk in my dreams, I wake up and am sober. It is magical almost how I am a totally different person in my head but no one will ever know.

But all this, it's whatever after all. Does any of it truly matter, what a 19 year old thinks of herself and the world?