Beautiful Boy by David Sheff

"What happened to my beautiful boy?"

Beautiful Boy is a heartbreaking memoir written by father & author David Sheff. 

I first heard about this book in 2017/2018 when it was announced that there was a film adaptation of the book in the works. It was very big news for Steve Carrell to cast as David and Timothee Chalamet as Nic in the film adaptation. (Especially Carrell as most of his roles have always been someone cheery, funny, the life of the party etc. He is the world's greatest boss after all.)

I checked out this book months ago but due to our move and Ramadan, I wasn't able to read it then. In the last week of May, I had finals and my siblings were here so I didn't want to read a depressing memoir. I had to be in the right mood. I had to be compassionate and mindful of a family's struggle. 

And man oh man. 

I tear up when I read books. Sometimes. But this book is not like the others I have cried over. This one is so... real. And it was really weird for me to read because Sheff, being from the Bay Area, wrote about places I grew up visiting. From the Point Reyes station to the little beach towns along the North-of-San Fransisco coast. He recounts his memories and fatherhood with his children in the same places my father used to take me, my sister, and my brother. 

So yeah, it was incredibly emotional and to a personal level too. 

I loved it. When I was younger, as we would drive by those little hippie beach towns north of the city (SF), I always used to wonder at the type of people who chose to live in the country, if you can even call it that. After reading Beautiful Boy I have a better idea. 

Families live there. Sheff, spent his weekends taking his children and wife on hikes down the coast and up north by Lake Tahoe. My family used to do that. In fact, we used to go to the exact same ones that he wrote of. The ones that don't even show up on Google Maps. 

Sheff doesn't just write about his son's addiction. Rather, he tells us the story of his beautiful boy. He tells us of the day Nic was born, the trips to the park they would have, the school events, their surf days, and much more. He is the father of a boy he lost touch with. And that's what breaks me. He becomes codependent on his son but has to stay strong for his two younger children who are traumatized by their brother's behavior. 

Throughout the book, Sheff compares the treatment of cancer patients to those addicted to drugs and alcohol. Cancer patients don't choose to have cancer whereas a person addicted to drugs made the mistake of using them... even if just once... and has ruined their (and their families) life due to that. While I am still unsure of where I stand on the argument, nonetheless it has made me feel more deeply for families who have someone in their close circle addicted to drugs. I could have never imagined the horrors of that sort of life. May God protect us all. 

"No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die... I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how --and whether-- he will live his life."

As a parent, Sheff reflects on his parenting and blames himself for his son being this way. In Chapter 25, he visits his son for the weekend at an institute in New Mexico. Sheff and his ex-wife Vicki both agree that this would be the last time they try to save Nic. This would be his last chance and if he relapses or runs away, he is to fend for himself. 

A therapist tells them both that this weekend is not for blaming themselves rather "moving beyond lingering resentment." A father there, visiting his child who is also a patient at the institute tells Sheff that, "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." Amazing. 

Though the book covers some very hard topics, it has changed my views on drug addicts. In the end, they are people who need proper treatment and help. They can be parents, children, spouses, etc. They are more than their addiction. The system has failed them and the war on drugs hasn't been victorious. 

May God protect us all and heal those who are suffering. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post ! 

The American Bookslayer (Asma) xx