In the aged pillars of the riad, I see myself.

Like the aged pillars of this riad, I embody my past and stand tall like a castle. One may look at me and trace the lines etched into my weathered body and imagine the countless stories and experiences that my pillars have witnessed over the years. From my smile lines, you can imagine my delirious laughs just as from my Glabellar lines on my forehead you may be able to imagine all the things that have once (and will continue to) upset me.

But, in contrast to my aged pillars, the addition of painted tiles symbolizes my change and all the ways I have grown. The vibrant colors, though they appear dull in this image, represent my life-long battle to live a life full of designs and color. The tiles, with their meticulous craftsmanship, symbolize my boundless potential to transcend all expectations. They symbolize my fight to become and be better, to heal, and to rebirth myself. 

I challenge life as an aged pillar by refusing to be just that, an aged pillar. I know that while I may be a pillar at my complete bareness, I can also be full of color and decorated with painted tiles. 

Looking at the pillars and tiles, a sense of nostalgia came over me. In this corner of the riad, I saw myself. I saw my perseverance to continue living life despite the cracks and lines in my pillars because along the way, the vibrant colors and intricate designs of the painted tiles awaken within me feelings of joy, wonder, and appreciation for the creative spirit of human endeavor.

In this way, art breathes new life into old structures. To infuse the mundane with a modern form of beauty, inspires growth and spiritual renewal. 

As I gaze upon the shapes and colors of the tiles, I feel a surge of energy coursing through me, igniting my own desire to explore and create. 

Like the painted tiles adorning the riad wall, I am inspired to embrace change, to embrace the unknown, and to embrace the endless possibilities that lie before me.

Mahragan Ayem Fe Bahr El Ghadr (عايم في بحر الغدر) - Ahmed Ezzat

 عايم في بحر الغدر

Swimming in the sea of betrayal,

شط الندالة مليان ب قلوب ماليها الشر

The shore of treachery is full of hearts devoid of goodness,

والبر ما له أمان

And the land has no safety.

نجي الخسيس منه اما الاصيل غرقان

We rescue the ignoble, while the noble drown,

والقوي في قوته بس علي الغلبان

And the strong in their strength oppress the weak.

شيطان ضحك علي الكل

The devil laughed at everyone,

والذل كان عنوان

And humiliation was the title.

نشر الفجور والذل ما بين بني الإنسان

Corruption and humiliation spread among humankind,

ولما قبضوا الثمن الكل باع وخان

And when they were paid, everyone sold out and betrayed.

واللي عامل حبيبي علي حقيقته بان

And whoever acted as my beloved revealed his true colors,

شايف الوشوش الوان

Seeing the deceitful faces,

بلياتشو البهلوان

The clownish pretenders,

بيمثلوا الضحكه وبيصنعوا الأوهام

They pretend to laugh and create illusions.

يا قلوب بلا مأوي جبل الهموم اقوي

Oh hearts without refuge, the mountain of worries is strong,

فيها القوي علي الضعيف

In it, the strong overpower the weak.

جاي بيستقوي

He's coming to get stronger.

دنيا فيها الفاعل مبني علي المفعول

A world where actions are based on consequences,

الفرح فيها ماضي بابه صبح مقفول

Joy here is a past door closed at sunrise.

مركب ف بحر غريق والبحر موجه عالي

A boat in a sea of drowning, and the sea's waves are high,

مبيفرقش ما بين عزيز ولا غالي

It doesn't differentiate between precious and priceless.

خلق وأخرها تراب عايشين ف دنيا سراب

People created, and in the end, they're just dust, living in a world of mirage.

واللي كانوا حبايب دلوقتي بقوا أغراب

And those who were friends are now strangers,

عجبي عليك يا عجب

Amazing, oh, how amazing!

علي اي متستعجب

Oh what are you amazed (or suprised)?

دنيا وفيها العجب هو اللي مستعجب

In a world where the amazement is what's amazing,

بحراسيه ناس مش هي وقلوب عماله بتتلخبط

Guarded by people who are not themselves, and hearts are confused,

فين الطيبه فين الحنيه

Where is the kindness, where is the tenderness?

اصل الدنيا خلاص بتشطب

Because the world is now being erased. 

This song reflects on the themes of betrayal and the harsh realities of life. It portrays a world where trust is rare, and people are driven by self-interest which results in the downfall of genuine relationships as well as the erasure of moral values.

It's whatever

I want to dedicate the rest of my life to me. I am my own honorable mention. 

Life is so hard. You wish to do the things you want to and you are held back. You wish to speak to the people you love but you cannot. You wish to eat the foods you crave but you are restricted. Wish, wish, wish. At 19, I am chained to my desires. 

This is not something I was able to foresee. My habit of unrealistic goal setting channeled within me a passion driven by a lack of appreciation for the person I am now and the life I have.. now.

When goal-setting, I compared myself to others. I never took the time to sit down with myself and see what I wanted with my life. Everything was driven by the feeling that I wasn't doing enough and that others were better than me. 

My goals restricted me and I never worked towards them because at the time, I didn't know I was comparing myself. Growing up, my parents always compared me to others so this came naturally to me. I never once thought of myself. What I liked, how I want to dress, what foods I like to eat. 

It took placing myself in a challenging environment (yes, college for me is a challenging environment) filled with people so different from me before I could actually come to know myself. It took failing classes to learn that I am a hard worker. It took missing the bus to know that I can wait if forced to, that I can appreciate the muck and gum and rusty benches at the bus station if I am forced to. It took arguing with my father about how I feel unloved by him for me to realize that I don't even love myself. 

The truth is, I was my first heartbreak.

Upon my birth, I consigned to the duty of committing to myself in a life long relationship. I wish I never did. I have an avoidant attachment style, the moment I feel like someone is dependent on me or clingy, I leave. So to survive myself, I always end up abandoning her in the name of "self-love". But how do you love yourself in the ways you never were loved?

I do not know how to live with Asma. I don't even know who she is. All I know is that she is a girl with brown eyes and a heart full of love for the world around her.

I always hated introducing myself. I am so many people in one body. And, how could I possibly introduce myself, who I have known for my whole life, when it feels like I was just born yesterday?

Every day is a new day born for me. Awakened from a slumber where I am drunk in my dreams, I wake up and am sober. It is magical almost how I am a totally different person in my head but no one will ever know.

But all this, it's whatever after all. Does any of it truly matter, what a 19 year old thinks of herself and the world?

Life update

I have really grown into myself this year. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and have learned a lot about the world. 

I am now in my second year of college, which sounds so weird to say. I changed my major in April from computer science to biology and it's been going well. It's a lot of work though I must admit. And let's just say, I am not the best with time management and keeping on track with all the due dates. 

I want to say I like college. But I also don't. I like that I am able to study what I want and I like my professors, but I don't really like how I feel like I am an imposter to all my classmates. It's hard to make friends but, as I have become more comfortable with myself over the year, I am fine with that. I am fine with not having many friends. I feel more focused and more at ease. 

But, with the friends I have made. I feel even better than I do when I am by myself. I feel seen, I feel heard, and I feel enlivened. They enable me to be... me. I am very grateful for them, alhamdulillah. 

Regrets of the year:

1. Not getting my license yet.

2. Taking a math class in the summer. 

3. Not including relaxing as a part of my schedule. 

4. Not reading as much as I wish I could.

5. Not changing my major sooner.

6. Not believing in myself just because of one grade. 

Happys of the year:

1. Spring semester chemistry and english class. 

2. Baked a lot. 

3. Finally got the hand of switching colors as I crochet. 

4. Going out with friends, making new friends.

5. Praying tahajud.

6. Learning to love others. 

7. Focusing more on Allah ﷻ.

Goals for the remainder of the year:

1. You guessed it.. getting my license. 

2. Visiting a museum. 

3. Writing and sending a letter to someone in my family.

4. Finishing a crochet project. 

5. Reading at least 10 more books.

    ⤷ I don't intend to quantify my goals, this is just a numerical representation of how many more "lives" I want to live by the end of this year. Perhaps I should type up a list. 

6. Learn a new language, or at least start exposing myself to one. 

    ⤷ For a while I wanted to learn Farsi and attended Jummah lectures at a masjid that partially delivered the lectures in Farsi. Attending Jummah there used to be the highlight of my weeks. 

7. Cook a full meal for my family & share with neighbors.

8. Travel out of state... 🙈

≽^•⩊•^≼   

Today

Today in California, I sit on my dining table with a cup of warm tea beside me. I am dressed warm in my sisters hoodie and to my left, the window is open and I hear the rustle of the leaves dancing as they crunch against the pavement. 

Today in California, I am happy. I am safe. I am comfortable. I am content. 

Today in California, I can say alhamdulillah and bear witness to my every blessing. 

But today, in Palestine, at least 4,385 innocent people have been murdered since October 7th. 

Today in Palestine, only 20 aid trucks were able to cross through the border to supply aid to more than 2.3 million people who have received nothing in the last two weeks. 

My greed is my noose, and today is my last day.

2023 Monthly Reading Challenges

I had a super fun time this year reading so many books. Though I enjoyed how my effort was a spontaneous one, the thought came to me to incorporate some monthly reading challenges for the upcoming year (Insha Allah) to make my reading journey more eventful and exciting. I can share this initiative with my friends and possibly family, but if no one decides to commit alongside me, that is alright since at the end of the day, I am doing this for me. And my mind. And my future. And... okay, maybe I am doing this for a lot of silly reasons but they all come back to me! 

JANUARY New year, new beginnings. Read at least one book chronicling a 'first time' beginner journey of its main character. Examples may be, but are not limited to: characters moving out of their country to another, main character moving away for university or post-secondary studies, becoming a first time parent, list goes on.

FEBRUARY Love is in the aiiiir. Let's make the topic of love more confusing than it already is... read a piece of classical romantic literature. Challenge your mind and standards, settle for no contemporary romance. 

MARCH March towards your goals. Read about a pioneer in history. Extra points if it is about a woman since March is known as international women's month. 

APRIL Welcome the season of spring by reading books with a fruit or vegetable in the title. 

MAY Mother's day is featured in this month so read a story about a mother, and perhaps her relationship with her daughter? 

JUNE A book set in summer... 

JULY ... Not another book set in summer. Celebrate America's independence from the English empire by reading any American classic. 

AUGUST Read a historical fiction book set in a country I don't know any one (directly) from... have fun with this. Not knowing someone means having not interacted with them directly in person (or online -- online mutuals don't count) before. 

SEPTEMBER September is Hispanic Heritage Month, read a book set in Latin America. (Other ideas: books where the protagonists goes insane)

OCTOBER Spooky season. Your challenge is to read a horror/mystery/thriller novel that does not include supernatural creatures such as vampires. 

NOVEMBER A story told from a villain's point of view. 

DECEMBER Doctor main character OR, has the name of a country in the title. 

End of year goals: amass 2,000 pages from this challenge alone. That is an average of 167 pages per novel, per month. 

I did it!!

This evening I accomplished my goal of reading 52 books in the year! I'm really grateful alhamdulillah and proved myself... to myself. 

I read 15, 424 pages across those 52 spines of books. The wifi at home is still quite disruptive and I only have a few minutes to catch up on some homework and update my humble blog on this great achievement, but, once things are 'back to normal,' I look forward to uploading a review on the books I have read this year and ranking them. Until then! 

A short list of books set in SWANA

One of my reading goals this year was to read more content set in the South West Asian and North African (SWANA) regions. As of this post, I have read about ten books set in that region. I noticed that most of the countries I read from are Iran and Afghanistan which I'm not upset about, those countries produce amazing artists and authors as well as extremely heart wrenching tales. I'd like to read more books set in Arab countries or South Asia like India/Pakistan. 

The books I read set in SWANA are usually tagged with the following: contemporary, fiction, historical, literary, and romance. 

Example of books that are in this genre (contemporary fiction set in SWANA): 

A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza 

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseni 

Ali and Nino by Kurban Said 

And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseni

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid (country is not named but critics say it is most likely based in Syria) 

Mornings in Jenin by Susan Abulhawa

Rooftops of Tehran by Mahbod Seraji 

She Wore Red Trainers by Na'ima B. Robert

The Beekeeper of Aleppo by Christy Lefteri

The Island of Missing Trees by Elif Shafak

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni 

The Saffron Kitchen by Yasmin Crowther 

The Stationery Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali 

When the Apricots Bloom by Gina Wilkinson 

I read 'Rooftops of Tehran' back in April during Ramadan and loved it very very much. I think it has to be one of my favorite books of the year. I am working on a small review on it, hoping to post it before the end of the year. 

I am currently reading 'The Saffron Kitchen' and tbh, it's not what I had expected. I don't really enjoying reading much of Sara and Julien's romance since I feel it is irrelevant to the plot. However, I did like reading about Maryam and Ali. Maybe I enjoy reading more when the setting is in Iran? I feel like when I read stories that are set in the (Muslim majority) 'home' country, I am able to relate more somehow. Being a muslim, reading about muslims, who are living in a muslim country; all of it combined piques my interest. I had a similar experience when reading 'The Stationery Shop of Tehran.' I really enjoyed reading the flashbacks of Roya's childhood in Tehran compared to her senior years in the United States. But still, I did enjoy that book a lot more than I did for 'The Saffron Kitchen.' 

Currently I have 'Mornings in Jenin,' by Susan Abulhawa, 'The Beekeeper of Aleppo,' by Christy Lefteri, and 'The Saffron Kitchen' by Yasmin Crowther checked out from the library, the latter which I am 72% through. I am aiming to start either of the two other books by the end of this week. 

That's all for today's post. Thank you so much for reading to the end. 

Midsummer reading update

Hello dear reader. I am roughly halfway through my summer. 

Alhamdulillah earlier this month I took part in my library's summer reading challenge and received a medal for earning a certain amount of 'points'. It made me really happy and motivated me to read more engaging and productive material. 

Two months ago I wrote a short post on the books I wanted to read that spring and this summer (you can read it here). My tbr was made up of fifteen books total. The following section will be the books I read from that list, a short summary, and my thoughts.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚

1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni 

The Kite Runner is a heartbreaking story of a friendship between two boys, a wealthy boy and the son of his father's servant. The book is set in flashbacks in Afghanistan which in the book is in the process of being destroyed. Themes such as betrayal, redemption, s#xual assault, violence, drinking, and father-son dynamics (with a focus on class and sacrifice) are heavily present throughout the novel. 

I have a lot to say about this book. First, it should be known that the book is written by a man who did not live to experience Afghanistan's wars. (Bear in mind that he has acknowledged this -- I mention this only because events in the book are not based on true events he has lived or experienced). Second, the book is extremely emotional and built upon triggering themes. Third, The Kite Runner, should + probably would make you feel extremely grateful for family and will surely make you value all truths more, which reminds me of this great quote featured in the novel, “There is only one sin and that is theft... when you tell a lie, you steal someones right to the truth.” Isn't that amazing? 

Here is a draft of a short text intended to comment on the themes of social class and religious barriers that are described in the novel. 

2. The Stationery Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali 

Kamali's novel set in 50s Tehran is a cute romance between Roya and Bahman. Roya is an idealistic and academic teenager who resides within the spines of internationally acclaimed translated copies of classics, frequenting Mr. Fakhris 'stationery shop.' Bahman, like Roya, is politcal and shares her love for Rumi. The day the couple intends to marry, the result of a coup d'etat changes their country and their lives forever. Fate separates the couple and more than sixty years later, an accident reunites them and offers each the chance to ask the questions which have burdened them for more than half a century. 

I liked this book as it was a simple romance. If I've discovered anything from reading this year, it's my love for romances, ESPECIALLY Persian/Middle Eastern ones since our cultures don't really elaborate on the intimate relations of the couple; it's romance, and romance alone, not so often does one read sensual material in middle eastern (classic??) romances due to the shame present in those cultures. I don't know about contemporary novels, however, although The Stationery Shop of Tehran is an exception. 

3. When the Apricots Bloom by Gina Wilkinson 

This book was just so... suspenseful. It follows the story of three women, connected with a secret, living under Saddam's regime. Themes of trust, friendship, betrayal, and motherhood weave the events of the novel. Events in the story are inspired from the author's own experiences. 

I remember finishing the second half of this book in less than a day, it had such a grip on me. Extremely emotional and made me cry in some parts. This book was very eye-opening leading me to sympathize with the mothers of war-torn countries. I never thought to consider their sacrifice and struggle to give their children another chance at life. 

4. The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty

I'm not really sure how I would summarize this book except by prefacing it as one set in an Islamicate world with djinn, muslim, and sahir characters and frequent allusions to the story of Prophet Sulayman (pbuh). 

5. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Oh my, this deserves a review of its own which I probably will not come around to composing any time soon, definitely not later in the month. (Haha). To say the least, I did not like this book. 

6. A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza

Amazing review and summary that captures my thoughts well. I found myself able to relate to a lot of the events in this book. 

This update, as you may notice, only includes six of the fifteen books. I know, I know. You may be wondering why I read so out of my tbr these past couple of months and I'll tell you why - it's because I'm spontaneous with my reads! If a cover or synopsis interests me, I'm gonna scoop it up right then and there. 

Remaining books to read on the tbr 

1. The Saffron Kitchen 
2. The Beekeeper of Aleppo 
3. A Thousand Splendid Suns
4. Call Me By Your Name
5. The Metamorphasis 
6. The Catcher in the Rye
7. Flowers for Algernon 
8. Secrets of Divine Love 
9. Heros of Islam 

I don't really want to read all of them. I'll probably not end up reading The Catcher in the Rye or Flowers for Algernon in the next five weeks (what is left of my summer). My sister thrifted a collection of works by Kafka which features The Metamorphasis so hopefully I can read that in a few weeks time. The first three in the list compliment my goal of reading more modern Middle Eastern fiction plus the plots seem interesting enough. I also want to check out The Island of Missing Trees by Elif Shafak. Somewhat hesitant to read Call Me By Your Name but I have a copy of the ebook and may read it later this month, who knows, but I'm sure it'd reawaken my fourteen year old spirit so I may relive her era of peace and nerdiness, Inshallah. I'm actually not sure why I haven't finished reading Secrets of Divine Love since I really liked it. Hopefully I can finish it by September. DNF Heroes of Islam... not much to say why, just didn't finish it. 

Inshallah I achieve all my reading goals or do better than anticipated ! 

June goal

For June, my goal was to read 1, 671 pages total to beat my 2018 record of 953 -- alhamdulillah I beat this by three times, finishing the month of June with 3, 159 pages total over ten books. 

July goal 

Not too sure what this month's reading goal is. I suppose I'd like to read at least three non fiction books so I can implement what I learn into my life more effectively. (This isn't to say you can't do this with fiction, it's just harder since fiction doesn't really expose you to any 'habits' or 'science' directly, it's all from what you interpret as you're not taught it). I'm currently reading Beautiful World, Where Are You by Rooney (I read Normal People last month and loved it) and have some books from the 'Shatter Me' series by Mafi checked out and on hold at the library. I'd also like to finish '1984' by Orwell preferably before this month ends. (328 pages, cr on 104, div by 7 [var. days of week] = 32 pages a day to finish it in a week's time). 

I'd like to read at least five books this month, Inshallah. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope I'll you again soon. Until next time, bookslayer xx

Exit West

In 2017, Mohsin Hamid published Exit West as a literary response to the 2015 migrant crisis. The migrant crisis of 2015 was a period when a large number of refugees arrived in Europe and sought asylum from the wars and crises in their home countries. His book is written in the lyrical style of prose and tells the story of a fierce young couple that has to leave their homeland behind them as they escape war in their country and seek asylum in Europe. In his novel, Hamid describes the migrant experience while focusing on that of two individuals, Nadia and Saed, as they assimilate into societies foreign to their own, exploring their sense of identity and self. Nadia is an independant and rebellious woman who accepts and embraces her migration from her homeland as a chance to create a new life for herself. Saeed, however, is an educated and romantic young man who works hard to adapt to the migrant lifestyle that forces him to unite his love for family and his cultural upbringing with his new life as an alienated individual forced to leave his home. Nadia and Saeed both experience periods of longing for the comfort of their past but each understand the need to create their own “home away from home” as a response to reclaiming their identity. 

I read this book for a school project, my final high school English paper. 

While I didn't exactly enjoy the book, I didn't "not like it" either. It's just probably something I won't read again. 

3/5 

Here are some quotes I liked

"To love is to enter into the inevitability of one day not being able to protect what is most valuable to you." 

"When we migrate, we murder from our lives those we leave behind." 

The Kite Runner

Yesterday I finished 'The Kite Runner' by Khaled Hosseini. Today I sit in a Starbucks writing a review about it. 

I feel ashamed that I could read such a heart-wrenching and emotional book sensitive for many and sleep the night like a baby. 

(This review may contain spoilers and will therefore assume that you as the reader are familiar with the various plot points and characters that will be discussed.)

Themes of religion, race, and ethnicity are expressed throughout the novel. As a Sunni Muslim, I was exposed to the harsh treatment many Shias have to face just for their religion, and in the case with Hassan, his Hazara ethnicity as well. Amir, a Sunni Pashtun, and Hassan, a Shia Hazara, represent one of the many divisions that exist in the Afghan society. Naturally, these divisions which fate bores them into pave the course of their lives. 

Amir is the privileged son of a wealthy and well-respected Pashtun man, Baba. He doesn't experience poverty or the nasty glares of others for his facial features. He doesn't have to fear what awaits him at the turn of a street corner... or alley. Amir doesn't have a strong emotional connection with his father which he blames on himself and it seems to be the only cause of worry for him in his life.. how fortunate. Amir, unlike his friend Hassan, is educated and as a child he mocks his friends ignorance.

Hassan is a loyal and forgiving friend who is the servant of Amir and his father. He serves his friend breakfast, prepares his books for school, and cleans the home. Hassan's way of life taught him from a very young age that he is meant to sacrifice himself for the sake and comfort of others. Hassan is a content person and tells Amir how grateful he feels despite having so, so much less than him. Hassan personifies 'innocence' which is crucial to development of the drama and symbolism that Assef's rape represents. 

Race and Ethnicity in the novel

Racism is portrayed quite bluntly through the novel. Assef is without a doubt the novel's most racist character and justifies his rape of Hassan because he's "just a Hazara." Just? When he joins the Taliban, he again justifies his vehement grudge against a whole ethnicity by referring to the Hazara people as garbage littering his beautiful country of Afghanistan seeing it his responsibility to "take out the garbage." 

Hosseini skillfully authors relationships between the characters to reveal the complexity of ethnic relevance in Afghanistan with a direct focus on the Pashtun and Hazara ethnic groups. Pashtuns dominate Afghanistan and have always held high positions in economic, state, military, and religious affairs. However as a minority, the Hazaras were always discriminated against and considered low class by the Pashtuns. Assef's character represents Afghan nationalism. For him, Afghanistan has always been for the Pashtuns. Out of his own volition, Assef abandons all forms of moral conduct to oppress the Hazara and cleanse his watan, country, of them. 

The instances of rape, namely that of Hassan and Sohrab by Assef, must be understood as crucial events that directly relate to the significance of race and ethnicity in Afghanistan. Besides rape being an act of physical violence committed against the victim, it is also an attack on the victim's self dignity or gheerah of man. Rape as a motif in the novel represents oppressive domination of the powerful (Pashtun) over those who are (quite literally) under them (Hazara).

Amir as a Pashtun boy fails to defend Hassan's innocence while he is being abused. The guilt he feels from this plagues and traps him in his past. Amir justifies his failure to defend Hassan by using Hassan's ethnic background as an excuse for his lack of intervention. Critics of the novel say that Amir's behavior towards Hassan cannot be rationalized therefore forever making Amir someone who is selfish and deplorable. Later when Amir learns him and Hassan were brothers his deep-rooted racism becomes something very complicated and he looks for more ways to redeem himself. When he adopts his nephew Sohrab he publicly rejects the General's (and his own implicit) racism when he announces that he can no longer refer to Sohrab as some "Hazara boy." 

This morning I read a paper written by a student, Peng, which analyzed Hassan's rape from an ethical perspective. He writes:

Hassan didn’t complain about Amir’s treachery and framing, Hassan sacrificed himself to preserve narrow and selfish Amir because he was bounded by the class and social ethics, which made him willing to bear everything in their own ethics and class environment. As a result, Hassan had never shown any dissatisfaction with this unequal status, nor had he tried to change his fate. 

Peng further elaborates on the unlucky fate of Hassan. Hassan's tragedy directly corresponds with his social status as a Hazara boy, almost as if being a Hazara is a crime and his rape a punishment for merely existing. As a victim of Afghanistan's ethnic antagonism, Hassan suffers from an experience that many other minorities have. Peng believes that Hassan's rape represents the "tragedy of Hazara and Afghan (Pashtun) society." 

DRAFT.. WIP

AOT Ocean Scene Review (SPOILERS FOR S3!)

  Attack on Titan follows a group of three friends as they fight for their freedom. Armin, one of the friends, quite often uses the ocean as a tool to reignite the spark of hope in the hearts of his comrades Mikasa and Eren. The ocean plays a significant role in the show because it represents something so much more than just a large body of salt water as Grisha had described it to be. The ocean, like the sky, seems endless and free. Armin constantly refers to the ocean when motivating his friends because as children they promised each other that they will visit it. Armin believes that beyond the wall is the sea and that beyond the sea is freedom because they would be free from their walls. Watchers of the anime remain under this pretense until an unexpected answer ends season three. Eren argues that, after concluding that the world is their enemy due to their Eldian heritage, beyond the sea is not freedom as they had once been fooled to believe, but that rather, beyond the sea lurk their enemies. The sea is now understood to be something like a barrier, something that separates two enemies from each other’s throats. After watching the episode, I had to ask myself what the sea meant for them (Eren, Mikasa, and Armin), whether Eren’s reaction to the sea would effect the events, and how little the world of Attack on Titan is itself. 

Armin can be understood as an idealistic and optimistic character. His wish to visit the sea keeps him and his friends alive. He is obviously motivated to see it but more than that excitement, he yearns for a world beyond the walls he is trapped inside of. Armin remains innocent of his heritage and doesn’t confront the violence of his ancestor’s history previous to the ocean scene (I remain unaware of whether or not he speaks about it later on) and therefore does not consider that beyond the walls lurk his enemies. Here we are presented with the theme of mercy that the ocean provides the characters, at least Armin. 

    Unlike Armin, Eren understands sooner than his friends what the ocean means. Having once viewed the ocean as a place with no walls to cage him, Eren soon realizes his mission to save the Eldian people. The Eldians are viewed as monsters by virtually the entire world outside the walls and beyond the sea. Eren, rightfully so, no longer associates the ocean with freedom. For him, the ocean is another barrier, or wall, that shields him from his enemies. Eren must have felt quite resentful seeing this “new” wall after being fooled into believing that it was his gateway to freedom. After all, how can a young man believe in something that’s supposed to represent his freedom when on the other side of it there are people who want him and his loved ones killed? 

    Eren’s shift of perspective regarding the sea is deeper than is presented at surface level. Eren is now more determined than ever to protect his people from a possible mass genocide. In the ocean scene, Eren points and stares directly into the eyes of his enemy. His enemies aren’t exactly “made out” and remain invisible because he doesn’t literally face them, he faces the idea of them, one which he cannot see but can feel. The fact that he faces his enemies (although not literally) when staring into the ocean foreshadows the coming events. In that specific scene, the lack of defined enemies presents the auidence a vague understanding of the “enemy.” Is the enemy unknown and invisible to the eye? Or does the sight of the clear ocean’s reflection remain it’s own enemy? (Alluding to Eren). 

    I was really excited for this episode and certainly didn’t expect Eren to say what he did. However, I am glad that he was honest enough to state his intentions out loud in the company of those he trusts most. My ideas of an “enemy” and of the sea both changed after having watched this episode - not just in terms relating directly to the show, but in a way that I can extract and analyze from my own life. The enemy isn’t always stated in the beginning. That itself is found only through living life. Once you know yourself, you know your enemy. Having considered that, I can assume at that at this point of the series, Eren finally realizes who he is and the power he holds. This is both a dangerous and admirable thing. Will his emotions fog his decision making? How will he even make those decisions? Does he care for his opportunity cost? What value does a single life hold in the name of attaining freedom? So many questions. 

    I’m nervous for how the events will play out. I must admit that I am not entirely confident in Eren’s decision-making skills for many reasons, some being that he is at times quite impulsive and even “bratty.” But can I blame him? He didn’t ask for any of this and was born into a world of misery where he has to fight for his life and protect that of others. Can one blame a person raised in a cage of ignorance fooled by the idea of a world beyond their cage, one where they may be free and out of boundaries, only to discover in a horrifying manner that the whole world wants them killed? 

    Who is the real enemy, and who gets to decide that? 

Apr 20 2022

928 word count

Late Spring and Summer TBR

Alhamdulillah, I have been blessed to witness and complete another beautiful month of Ramadan. I only read one book in the past month because I wanted to focus on the Quran and my religious obligations. 

Now that Ramadan is over and school will soon be over as well, I decided to compile a modest list of books that I hope to read (and enjoy reading) during the upcoming season, Insha Allah. My goal this year is to finish 52 books. I don't really have a specific reading goal relating to a genre although more recently I have noticed myself gravitating towards books set in the Middle East/North Africa and South Asia. I guess I could say that at this point in my reading career I am more inclined to read a book with a culture I can relate to. (This includes Islamic themes). 

+ The Kite Runner

+ The Stationery Shop 

+ When the Apricots Bloom

+ The Saffron Kitchen 

+ The Beekeeper of Aleppo 

+ A Thousand Splendid Suns

+ A Place For Us

Other fiction titles I am interested in 

+ Call Me By Your Name

+ The Metamorphasis 

+ The Catcher in the Rye

+ Flowers for Algernon 

Apparently, all the books in this list except the first one are very similar to Camus' The Stranger which I read last winter and enjoyed a lot.

Books I have started and want to finish 

+ War and Peace 82%

+ Secrets of Divine Love 21%

+ The City of Brass 30%

+ Heros of Islam 25%

This is my list for now. Insha Allah I meet my goals and do better than anticipated. Perhaps later in the year I can add reviews/ratings to this list. 

To see Allah

God is outside of things, but not in the sense of being alien to them; and He is inside of things, but not in the sense of being identical with them. - IMAM ALI

Excerpt From: Secrets of Divine Love. “A. Helwa.”

I am reminded of the ayah in the Holy Quran where Allah ﷻ tells us:

 لَّا تُدْرِكُهُ ٱلْأَبْصَـٰرُ وَهُوَ يُدْرِكُ ٱلْأَبْصَـٰرَ ۖ وَهُوَ ٱللَّطِيفُ ٱلْخَبِيرُ

“Vision does not encompass Him; He encompasses vision. He is above all comprehension, yet is acquainted with all things.”

QUR’AN 6:103

Basar means vision or the ability to see and means to grasp or perceive something. Thus, having known what the two words mean, one can conclude that the whole of Allah's ﷻ creation will never be able to comprehend the sight of our Lord. We will never, in this world, be able to witness our Lord in a way that would encompass His Almighty Being. "وَهُوَ ٱللَّطِيفُ ٱلْخَبِيرُ" He is, however, of all things aware and watches over the entirety of His creation. 

Our beloved Prophet Muhammad ﷺ has said:

حَدَّثَنَا عُمَرُ بْنُ حَفْصٍ، حَدَّثَنَا أَبِي، حَدَّثَنَا الأَعْمَشُ، سَمِعْتُ أَبَا صَالِحٍ، عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ النَّبِيُّ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ يَقُولُ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى أَنَا عِنْدَ ظَنِّ عَبْدِي بِي، وَأَنَا مَعَهُ إِذَا ذَكَرَنِي، فَإِنْ ذَكَرَنِي فِي نَفْسِهِ ذَكَرْتُهُ فِي نَفْسِي، وَإِنْ ذَكَرَنِي فِي مَلأٍ ذَكَرْتُهُ فِي مَلأٍ خَيْرٍ مِنْهُمْ، وَإِنْ تَقَرَّبَ إِلَىَّ بِشِبْرٍ تَقَرَّبْتُ إِلَيْهِ ذِرَاعًا، وَإِنْ تَقَرَّبَ إِلَىَّ ذِرَاعًا تَقَرَّبْتُ إِلَيْهِ بَاعًا، وَإِنْ أَتَانِي يَمْشِي أَتَيْتُهُ هَرْوَلَةً ‏

Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Allah says: 'I am just as My slave thinks I am, (i.e. I am able to do for him what he thinks I can do for him) and I am with him if He remembers Me. If he remembers Me in himself, I too, remember him in Myself; and if he remembers Me in a group of people, I remember him in a group that is better than they; and if he comes one span nearer to Me, I go one cubit nearer to him; and if he comes one cubit nearer to Me, I go a distance of two outstretched arms nearer to him; and if he comes to Me walking, I go to him running.' "

Sahih al-Bukhari 7405 

Subhan Allah our Lord is the Most Merciful. 

We, as His humble slaves, are told that He is to us what we think of Him. If we perceive Allah as our hope and means of provision, that is who He is. If we see Allah ﷻ as our Master and Guide, that is who He is. We are encouraged to pray and praise our Lord by His beautiful names (Asma Al Husna). 

Amir Al Mu'mineen Imam Ali was asked by Dhi'lib al-Yamani if he had seen Allah. Imam Ali responded by asking Dhi'lib how he can worship someone he hasn't seen to which Dhi'lib asked once again, "How have you seen Him?" 

In the following lines, I have pasted the eloquent pearls of faith from Imam Ali's sermon (179).  

 لاَ تُدْرِكُهُ الْعُيُونُ بِمُشَاهَدَةِ الْعِيَانِ، وَلكِنْ تُدْرِكُهُ الْقُلُوبُ بِحَقَائِقِ الاْيمَانِ، قَرِيبٌ مِنَ الاْشْيَاءِ غَيْرُ مُلاَمِس، بَعِيدٌ مِنْهَا غَيْرُ مُبَايِن، مُتَكَلِّمٌ بِلاَ رَوِيَّة، مُرِيدٌ بِلاَ هِمَّة، صَانِعٌ لاَ بِجَارِحَة، لَطِيفٌ لاَ يُوصَفُ بِالْخَفَاءِ، كَبِيرٌ لاَ يُوصَفُ بِالْجَفَاءِ، بَصِيرٌ لاَ يُوصَفُ بِالْحَاسَّةِ، رَحِيمٌ لاَ يُوصَفُ بِالرِّقَّةِ، تَعْنُو الْوُجُوهُ لِعَظَمَتِهِ، وَتَجِبُ الْقُلُوبُ مِنْ مَخَافَتِهِ

Eyes cannot see Him face to face, but hearts perceive Him through the realities of belief. He is near to things but not (physically) contiguous. He is far from them but not (physically) separate. He is a speaker, but not with reflection. He intends, but not with preparation. He moulds, but not with (the assistance of) limbs. He is subtle but cannot be attributed with being concealed. He is great but cannot be attributed with haughtiness. He sees but cannot be attributed with the sense (of sight). He is Merciful but cannot be attributed with weakness of heart. Faces feel low before His greatness and hearts tremble out of fear of Him.

This sermon delivered by Imam Ali describes Allah's greatness. 

To see Allah, we must open our hearts, for it is our hearts that can only witness Him through the various realities of belief presented to us by life and what it means to live. We are told that Allah ﷻ is near but he is not physically present bounded by time and shape. To see Allah, we must not attribute anything to Him because He is One and Everything. Allah is as we perceive Him and He is as we remember Him. 

Quite unfortunately, my humanity is bounded to the 26 letters of the English language which chain me from being able to describe my Lord's true majesty.  

I love (أنا بعشق) - Nagat Al Sagheera

       انا بعشق البحر

زيك يا حبيبى حنون

وسعات زيك مجنون

ومهاجر ومسافر

وسعات زيك حيران

وسعات زيك زعلان

وسعات مليان بالصمت

انا بعشق البحر

انا بعشق السما

علشان زيك مسامحة

مزروعة نجوم وفرحة

وحبيبة وغريبة

وعشان زيك بعيدة

وسعات زيك قريبة

بعيون متنغمة

انا بعشق السما

انا بعشق الطريق

لانة فية لقانة

رحنا وشقانا

واصحابنا وشبابنا

وفية ضحكت دمعنا

وفية بكيت شمعنا

وضاع فية الصديق

انا بعشق الطريق

انا بعشق البحر

وبعشق السما

وبعشق الطريق

لانهم حياة

وانتى يا حبيبتى

انتى كل الحياة 

I love the sea

Like you, my dear it is tender

And sometimes, like you, it is crazy

Leaving and a traveler

And sometimes, like you, it is confused

And sometimes, like you, it is upset

And sometimes, like you, it is full of silence

I love the sea 

I love the sky

Because, like you, it is forgiving

Planted with stars and joy

It is loved and strange (far, distant)

And like you, it is far 

But sometimes it is, like you, near

With beautifully arranged eyes

I love the sky 

I love the road

It is there that we met

It is there we have our joy and sadness

Our friends and our youth 

And it is there our tears have laughed

And it is there our candles cried

And it is there where we have lost a friend

I love the road 

I love the sea 

And I love the sky 

And I love the road 

For in them there is life

And you my beloved

You are life itself. (What it means to live).  

I love this song because it expresses love and admiration for an unnamed beloved while comparing them to the three elements of nature: the sea, the sky, and the road. Each stanza describes the unique qualities and characteristics of these elements, drawing parallels between them and the beloved. The sea is depicted as tender, sometimes crazy, and occasionally silent, mirroring what a human relationship may be like. Similarly, the sky is described as forgiving, adorned with stars and joy, yet distant at times. The road symbolizes the journey of life, where moments of joy and sadness, laughter and tears, are experienced with friends. Overall, I like to think that the poem describes how life itself is embodied in the beloved of the speaker.

I always enjoyed songs and poems about the sea, making the first three stanzas my favorite:

       انا بعشق البحر

زيك يا حبيبى حنون

وسعات زيك مجنون

I love the sea

Like you, my dear it is tender

And sometimes, like you, it is crazy. 

She Wore Red Trainers

I recently finished 'She Wore Red Trainers' by Na'ima B. Robert. This book is quite popular within the young Muslim community and as it's a goal of mine this year to read more books with Muslim representation, I decided to read it. 

I really enjoyed this book. I wouldn't say I liked the plot but I liked the positive representation of Islam with characters who were proud of their religion. It's rare to find in young adult novels characters who are proud of their identity and I found that in this book. 

I miss her smile. 

How she would nod her head when she tickled me. 

I miss her voice. 

How she would call for me and say "thank you beta."

I miss her. 

I miss her smell. 

And her cute jokes.

I miss the person I was around her. 

I miss her arms around me as she pulled me into a close hug. 

I felt very safe in her arms when she would pull me into a close hug. 

But she is at home. 

She is with her loved ones and Creator. 

She beat me to it. 

And as she looks down at me, 

I can only hope that she sees me trying.

I miss you Dada. 

September wrap-up & October tbr

Greetings reader, it has certainly been a while. 

Life has been... life, so I haven't really been able to write on here. But all of that will change soon, I plan on writing more on here and taking time off social media (a whole blog post to be expected on the topic). 

I read four books in September: Crime and Punishment, The Prophet, Layli and Majnun, and Some Kind of Happiness. 

Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I've been wanting to start Russian lit for a while now and I'm glad I started with Dostoyevsky's very emotional yet philosophical tale. Dostoyevsky's century-old message is still as unsettling, present, and alive as it is today. Crime and Punishment is about a poor university student, Rodian Roskilnikov, who commits a crime that he hopes would rescue him from his poverty, allow him to be a better person, and help others. Rodian Roskolnikov suffers a constant struggle with the moral dilemma he experiences after committing the heinous crime. It's quite intriguing to read the story of a criminal and how one could possibly live knowing that they have killed not one, but two people.

I rated this book a 4/5. I might read it again, but I wanna explore Tolstoy and Checkov next to gain a better idea of classical Russian literature. I highly suggest watching Jordan Peterson's video on the book but there are some spoilers so be aware of that.

The Prophet - Khalil Gibran 

I really liked this book. It was short and lyrical. Although there were some parts I disagreed with, overall I liked the style in which it was written. 

"Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror

But you are eternity and you are the mirror." 

You can see from the quote above how lyrical Gibran can be. And how beautiful at that! I had a fun time reading his poetry and look forward to reading more. I like that he wrote in prose and it is a style that I am looking forward to exploring more in the future. Despite the short length of the book, I did not want to rush reading it. I wanted to connect with its meaning and taste its sweetness on my lips. While reading it, I found myself to be very relaxed. I felt separated from my present world. I read that book during a very hard time of my life. His poetry helped me battle my depression by allowing me a safe space to escape to. Also, September is such a good month to read poetry. September and May. I think it is because in those months we experience the transition into the next (more extreme) seasons.

Layli and Majnun - Nezami Ganjavi 

I LOVED THIS! FIVE OUT OF FIVE! I really want to re-read it Insha Allah.

Some Kind of Happiness

Really cute but depressing children's fiction book. I liked it! 

October reading list 

October is probably my favorite month. It gets chilly and I love the spookiness of the season. 

11/30/2021 8:55 pm

Crime & Punishment

Crime & Punishment is a Russian novel written by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. 

Crime & Punishment is set in St. Petersburg during the 1860s. It follows Raskolnikov who is an impoverished student determined to grant justice to the people of his city by committing a crime and suffering its punishment. 

"When he commits an act of murder and theft, he sets into motion a story that, for its excruciating suspense, its atmospheric vividness, and its depth of characterization and vision is almost unequaled in the literature of the world." 

Dostoyevsky quite amazingly utilizes the psychological themes of sin, guilt, and redemption to create the nineteenth century's greatest and most compelling philosophical drama. 

End of summer break reading

Greetings to my fellow reader!

Today is the first day of my last year of high school. 

As summer break comes to end, I have been in a very relfective mood. I will update you later on my travel once back home.