It's whatever

I want to dedicate the rest of my life to me. I am my own honorable mention. 

Life is so hard. You wish to do the things you want to and you are held back. You wish to speak to the people you love but you cannot. You wish to eat the foods you crave but you are restricted. Wish, wish, wish. At 19, I am chained to my desires. 

This is not something I was able to foresee. My habit of unrealistic goal setting channeled within me a passion driven by a lack of appreciation for the person I am now and the life I have.. now.

When goal-setting, I compared myself to others. I never took the time to sit down with myself and see what I wanted with my life. Everything was driven by the feeling that I wasn't doing enough and that others were better than me. 

My goals restricted me and I never worked towards them because at the time, I didn't know I was comparing myself. Growing up, my parents always compared me to others so this came naturally to me. I never once thought of myself. What I liked, how I want to dress, what foods I like to eat. 

It took placing myself in a challenging environment (yes, college for me is a challenging environment) filled with people so different from me before I could actually come to know myself. It took failing classes to learn that I am a hard worker. It took missing the bus to know that I can wait if forced to, that I can appreciate the muck and gum and rusty benches at the bus station if I am forced to. It took arguing with my father about how I feel unloved by him for me to realize that I don't even love myself. 

The truth is, I was my first heartbreak.

Upon my birth, I consigned to the duty of committing to myself in a life long relationship. I wish I never did. I have an avoidant attachment style, the moment I feel like someone is dependent on me or clingy, I leave. So to survive myself, I always end up abandoning her in the name of "self-love". But how do you love yourself in the ways you never were loved?

I do not know how to live with Asma. I don't even know who she is. All I know is that she is a girl with brown eyes and a heart full of love for the world around her.

I always hated introducing myself. I am so many people in one body. And, how could I possibly introduce myself, who I have known for my whole life, when it feels like I was just born yesterday?

Every day is a new day born for me. Awakened from a slumber where I am drunk in my dreams, I wake up and am sober. It is magical almost how I am a totally different person in my head but no one will ever know.

But all this, it's whatever after all. Does any of it truly matter, what a 19 year old thinks of herself and the world?

Life update

I have really grown into myself this year. I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and have learned a lot about the world. 

I am now in my second year of college, which sounds so weird to say. I changed my major in April from computer science to biology and it's been going well. It's a lot of work though I must admit. And let's just say, I am not the best with time management and keeping on track with all the due dates. 

I want to say I like college. But I also don't. I like that I am able to study what I want and I like my professors, but I don't really like how I feel like I am an imposter to all my classmates. It's hard to make friends but, as I have become more comfortable with myself over the year, I am fine with that. I am fine with not having many friends. I feel more focused and more at ease. 

But, with the friends I have made. I feel even better than I do when I am by myself. I feel seen, I feel heard, and I feel enlivened. They enable me to be... me. I am very grateful for them, alhamdulillah. 

Regrets of the year:

1. Not getting my license yet.

2. Taking a math class in the summer. 

3. Not including relaxing as a part of my schedule. 

4. Not reading as much as I wish I could.

5. Not changing my major sooner.

6. Not believing in myself just because of one grade. 

Happys of the year:

1. Spring semester chemistry and english class. 

2. Baked a lot. 

3. Finally got the hand of switching colors as I crochet. 

4. Going out with friends, making new friends.

5. Praying tahajud.

6. Learning to love others. 

7. Focusing more on Allah ﷻ.

Goals for the remainder of the year:

1. You guessed it.. getting my license. 

2. Visiting a museum. 

3. Writing and sending a letter to someone in my family.

4. Finishing a crochet project. 

5. Reading at least 10 more books.

    ⤷ I don't intend to quantify my goals, this is just a numerical representation of how many more "lives" I want to live by the end of this year. Perhaps I should type up a list. 

6. Learn a new language, or at least start exposing myself to one. 

    ⤷ For a while I wanted to learn Farsi and attended Jummah lectures at a masjid that partially delivered the lectures in Farsi. Attending Jummah there used to be the highlight of my weeks. 

7. Cook a full meal for my family & share with neighbors.

8. Travel out of state... 🙈

≽^•⩊•^≼   

Today

Today in California, I sit on my dining table with a cup of warm tea beside me. I am dressed warm in my sisters hoodie and to my left, the window is open and I hear the rustle of the leaves dancing as they crunch against the pavement. 

Today in California, I am happy. I am safe. I am comfortable. I am content. 

Today in California, I can say alhamdulillah and bear witness to my every blessing. 

But today, in Palestine, at least 4,385 innocent people have been murdered since October 7th. 

Today in Palestine, only 20 aid trucks were able to cross through the border to supply aid to more than 2.3 million people who have received nothing in the last two weeks. 

My greed is my noose, and today is my last day.

2023 Monthly Reading Challenges

I had a super fun time this year reading so many books. Though I enjoyed how my effort was a spontaneous one, the thought came to me to incorporate some monthly reading challenges for the upcoming year (Insha Allah) to make my reading journey more eventful and exciting. I can share this initiative with my friends and possibly family, but if no one decides to commit alongside me, that is alright since at the end of the day, I am doing this for me. And my mind. And my future. And... okay, maybe I am doing this for a lot of silly reasons but they all come back to me! 

JANUARY New year, new beginnings. Read at least one book chronicling a 'first time' beginner journey of its main character. Examples may be, but are not limited to: characters moving out of their country to another, main character moving away for university or post-secondary studies, becoming a first time parent, list goes on.

FEBRUARY Love is in the aiiiir. Let's make the topic of love more confusing than it already is... read a piece of classical romantic literature. Challenge your mind and standards, settle for no contemporary romance. 

MARCH March towards your goals. Read about a pioneer in history. Extra points if it is about a woman since March is known as international women's month. 

APRIL Welcome the season of spring by reading books with a fruit or vegetable in the title. 

MAY Mother's day is featured in this month so read a story about a mother, and perhaps her relationship with her daughter? 

JUNE A book set in summer... 

JULY ... Not another book set in summer. Celebrate America's independence from the English empire by reading any American classic. 

AUGUST Read a historical fiction book set in a country I don't know any one (directly) from... have fun with this. Not knowing someone means having not interacted with them directly in person (or online -- online mutuals don't count) before. 

SEPTEMBER September is Hispanic Heritage Month, read a book set in Latin America. (Other ideas: books where the protagonists goes insane)

OCTOBER Spooky season. Your challenge is to read a horror/mystery/thriller novel that does not include supernatural creatures such as vampires. 

NOVEMBER A story told from a villain's point of view. 

DECEMBER Doctor main character OR, has the name of a country in the title. 

End of year goals: amass 2,000 pages from this challenge alone. That is an average of 167 pages per novel, per month. 

I did it!!

This evening I accomplished my goal of reading 52 books in the year! I'm really grateful alhamdulillah and proved myself... to myself. 

I read 15, 424 pages across those 52 spines of books. The wifi at home is still quite disruptive and I only have a few minutes to catch up on some homework and update my humble blog on this great achievement, but, once things are 'back to normal,' I look forward to uploading a review on the books I have read this year and ranking them. Until then! 

A short list of books set in SWANA

One of my reading goals this year was to read more content set in the South West Asian and North African (SWANA) regions. As of this post, I have read about ten books set in that region. I noticed that most of the countries I read from are Iran and Afghanistan which I'm not upset about, those countries produce amazing artists and authors as well as extremely heart wrenching tales. I'd like to read more books set in Arab countries or South Asia like India/Pakistan. 

The books I read set in SWANA are usually tagged with the following: contemporary, fiction, historical, literary, and romance. 

Example of books that are in this genre (contemporary fiction set in SWANA): 

A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza 

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseni 

Ali and Nino by Kurban Said 

And the Mountains Echoed by Khaled Hosseni

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid (country is not named but critics say it is most likely based in Syria) 

Mornings in Jenin by Susan Abulhawa

Rooftops of Tehran by Mahbod Seraji 

She Wore Red Trainers by Na'ima B. Robert

The Beekeeper of Aleppo by Christy Lefteri

The Island of Missing Trees by Elif Shafak

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni 

The Saffron Kitchen by Yasmin Crowther 

The Stationery Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali 

When the Apricots Bloom by Gina Wilkinson 

I read 'Rooftops of Tehran' back in April during Ramadan and loved it very very much. I think it has to be one of my favorite books of the year. I am working on a small review on it, hoping to post it before the end of the year. 

I am currently reading 'The Saffron Kitchen' and tbh, it's not what I had expected. I don't really enjoying reading much of Sara and Julien's romance since I feel it is irrelevant to the plot. However, I did like reading about Maryam and Ali. Maybe I enjoy reading more when the setting is in Iran? I feel like when I read stories that are set in the (Muslim majority) 'home' country, I am able to relate more somehow. Being a muslim, reading about muslims, who are living in a muslim country; all of it combined piques my interest. I had a similar experience when reading 'The Stationery Shop of Tehran.' I really enjoyed reading the flashbacks of Roya's childhood in Tehran compared to her senior years in the United States. But still, I did enjoy that book a lot more than I did for 'The Saffron Kitchen.' 

Currently I have 'Mornings in Jenin,' by Susan Abulhawa, 'The Beekeeper of Aleppo,' by Christy Lefteri, and 'The Saffron Kitchen' by Yasmin Crowther checked out from the library, the latter which I am 72% through. I am aiming to start either of the two other books by the end of this week. 

That's all for today's post. Thank you so much for reading to the end. 

Midsummer reading update

Hello dear reader. I am roughly halfway through my summer. 

Alhamdulillah earlier this month I took part in my library's summer reading challenge and received a medal for earning a certain amount of 'points'. It made me really happy and motivated me to read more engaging and productive material. 

Two months ago I wrote a short post on the books I wanted to read that spring and this summer (you can read it here). My tbr was made up of fifteen books total. The following section will be the books I read from that list, a short summary, and my thoughts.

₊˚ ✧ ‿︵‿୨୧‿︵‿ ✧ ₊˚

1. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseni 

The Kite Runner is a heartbreaking story of a friendship between two boys, a wealthy boy and the son of his father's servant. The book is set in flashbacks in Afghanistan which in the book is in the process of being destroyed. Themes such as betrayal, redemption, s#xual assault, violence, drinking, and father-son dynamics (with a focus on class and sacrifice) are heavily present throughout the novel. 

I have a lot to say about this book. First, it should be known that the book is written by a man who did not live to experience Afghanistan's wars. (Bear in mind that he has acknowledged this -- I mention this only because events in the book are not based on true events he has lived or experienced). Second, the book is extremely emotional and built upon triggering themes. Third, The Kite Runner, should + probably would make you feel extremely grateful for family and will surely make you value all truths more, which reminds me of this great quote featured in the novel, “There is only one sin and that is theft... when you tell a lie, you steal someones right to the truth.” Isn't that amazing? 

Here is a draft of a short text intended to comment on the themes of social class and religious barriers that are described in the novel. 

2. The Stationery Shop of Tehran by Marjan Kamali 

Kamali's novel set in 50s Tehran is a cute romance between Roya and Bahman. Roya is an idealistic and academic teenager who resides within the spines of internationally acclaimed translated copies of classics, frequenting Mr. Fakhris 'stationery shop.' Bahman, like Roya, is politcal and shares her love for Rumi. The day the couple intends to marry, the result of a coup d'etat changes their country and their lives forever. Fate separates the couple and more than sixty years later, an accident reunites them and offers each the chance to ask the questions which have burdened them for more than half a century. 

I liked this book as it was a simple romance. If I've discovered anything from reading this year, it's my love for romances, ESPECIALLY Persian/Middle Eastern ones since our cultures don't really elaborate on the intimate relations of the couple; it's romance, and romance alone, not so often does one read sensual material in middle eastern (classic??) romances due to the shame present in those cultures. I don't know about contemporary novels, however, although The Stationery Shop of Tehran is an exception. 

3. When the Apricots Bloom by Gina Wilkinson 

This book was just so... suspenseful. It follows the story of three women, connected with a secret, living under Saddam's regime. Themes of trust, friendship, betrayal, and motherhood weave the events of the novel. Events in the story are inspired from the author's own experiences. 

I remember finishing the second half of this book in less than a day, it had such a grip on me. Extremely emotional and made me cry in some parts. This book was very eye-opening leading me to sympathize with the mothers of war-torn countries. I never thought to consider their sacrifice and struggle to give their children another chance at life. 

4. The City of Brass by S.A. Chakraborty

I'm not really sure how I would summarize this book except by prefacing it as one set in an Islamicate world with djinn, muslim, and sahir characters and frequent allusions to the story of Prophet Sulayman (pbuh). 

5. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Oh my, this deserves a review of its own which I probably will not come around to composing any time soon, definitely not later in the month. (Haha). To say the least, I did not like this book. 

6. A Place for Us by Fatima Farheen Mirza

Amazing review and summary that captures my thoughts well. I found myself able to relate to a lot of the events in this book. 

This update, as you may notice, only includes six of the fifteen books. I know, I know. You may be wondering why I read so out of my tbr these past couple of months and I'll tell you why - it's because I'm spontaneous with my reads! If a cover or synopsis interests me, I'm gonna scoop it up right then and there. 

Remaining books to read on the tbr 

1. The Saffron Kitchen 
2. The Beekeeper of Aleppo 
3. A Thousand Splendid Suns
4. Call Me By Your Name
5. The Metamorphasis 
6. The Catcher in the Rye
7. Flowers for Algernon 
8. Secrets of Divine Love 
9. Heros of Islam 

I don't really want to read all of them. I'll probably not end up reading The Catcher in the Rye or Flowers for Algernon in the next five weeks (what is left of my summer). My sister thrifted a collection of works by Kafka which features The Metamorphasis so hopefully I can read that in a few weeks time. The first three in the list compliment my goal of reading more modern Middle Eastern fiction plus the plots seem interesting enough. I also want to check out The Island of Missing Trees by Elif Shafak. Somewhat hesitant to read Call Me By Your Name but I have a copy of the ebook and may read it later this month, who knows, but I'm sure it'd reawaken my fourteen year old spirit so I may relive her era of peace and nerdiness, Inshallah. I'm actually not sure why I haven't finished reading Secrets of Divine Love since I really liked it. Hopefully I can finish it by September. DNF Heroes of Islam... not much to say why, just didn't finish it. 

Inshallah I achieve all my reading goals or do better than anticipated ! 

June goal

For June, my goal was to read 1, 671 pages total to beat my 2018 record of 953 -- alhamdulillah I beat this by three times, finishing the month of June with 3, 159 pages total over ten books. 

July goal 

Not too sure what this month's reading goal is. I suppose I'd like to read at least three non fiction books so I can implement what I learn into my life more effectively. (This isn't to say you can't do this with fiction, it's just harder since fiction doesn't really expose you to any 'habits' or 'science' directly, it's all from what you interpret as you're not taught it). I'm currently reading Beautiful World, Where Are You by Rooney (I read Normal People last month and loved it) and have some books from the 'Shatter Me' series by Mafi checked out and on hold at the library. I'd also like to finish '1984' by Orwell preferably before this month ends. (328 pages, cr on 104, div by 7 [var. days of week] = 32 pages a day to finish it in a week's time). 

I'd like to read at least five books this month, Inshallah. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope I'll you again soon. Until next time, bookslayer xx